I have the tendency to be very authentic and open, generally speaking. It's my way, it's my strength, and maybe my bent. Call it what you want, but I tend to be pretty open. I have been open about my 'growing pains', I have been open about the way I feel about missing my kids/grandboy. I have been open about my health challenges. I have been open about my journey towards healthy eating. I try hard not to embarrass my kids in the process, and I have failed miserably on occasion. They forgive me, thankfully. Then, I try to do better. I do not desire to embarrass them, or anyone. But, I gotta be me, and I am allowed to talk about me if I want ;-) Which brings me to today.
I am going through a scary time right now, it is super personal, and yet I do so appreciate friend's input and words of experience. As scary as it was, I didn't feel attached to my adrenal gland when they took it out (tumor), or the rib that came with it. I didn't feel attached to my thyroid gland when they took it out (tumor). I did NOT feel attached to my gall bladder, and was SUPER GLAD when they took it out! I was in no way attached to the various lumps and bumps that I have had removed due to the neurofibromatosis. This feels very different. A week or so ago I found a lump which took me to my new GYN. She thoroughly examined me, and said she didn't think what I had felt was a big deal, but was sending me for a diagnostic mammogram (owch) and sonogram (owch owch). So, I spent about three hours on Monday being prodded and smashed. Not fun. And in the midst, the tech told me that it didn't seem like what I had felt was anything at all, but that the doctor had wanted another area on the same side checked. After the testing was done, a doctor met with me in a little room, and told me that they had found two things, both of which require a needle biopsy. I have been in a fog pretty much since then. Here's the thing: I am not jumping ahead to the cancer thing, not really I cannot let myself go there. I am working very hard to trust God, and not worry about that. The part that has me right now, is getting the test, and potential surgery. They will definitely have to remove what is there. Two reasons. One, my body reacts terribly to anything invasive, plus I am allergic to pain meds, which makes me very nervous lol I know I will be dealing with pain, and nothing I can easily take to knock it out. Prayer number one-that I will not react to the injections, to the procedure itself--all of that. That pain would be minimal. Once my adrenaline starts up, I get pretty sick. Two, I do not WANT to have surgery--at all--and especially not there. Now, I say this knowing exactly how I sound. Trust me, I will do whatever I need to , to address this situation. I will heed the advice of the doctors. I will be proactive. I have a dear friend suffering with stage 4 breast cancer, so I am acutely aware of how cautious I need to be, and I am truly grateful for whatever can be done (btw, she was very cautious herself--went from zero to stage 4 in between yearly mammograms). The two things the doctor sees, she says, look like benign things. I pray they are, because I definitely do not want to do any of this. But, who does really? No one. That's who.
I say all this for a few reasons, one of which is CHECK YOURSELF. I have to admit to not finding these two lumps on my own--I wasn't checking. Now that I know they are there, they are EASY to feel. I just hadn't checked. I am SO grateful for the lump I THOUGHT I felt, because that took me to the doctor. That one turned out to be nothing--but I am so grateful that I felt it! I had a mammogram in February, which was clear. Check yourselves, ladies. Please.
The other reason, is because I know myself very well. The stress of the last week shows on my face, it has made me pull away from social media, and even people, just because I am processing all of the information (plus I cannot seem to stop crying LOL). You will find out anyway, so I decided to go ahead and explain. My goal, in ANY sharing that I do online, or in person, is to hopefully help and encourage someone, somehow--someone else will go through this, and someone else might need to know that others feel the exact same way. I can truly tell you that I have been crying buckets, begging God to spare me from another surgery...but finally this morning, I was able to truly say to Him that I do NOT want to do any of this, but that I know He will carry me through no matter what. One minute at at time, one test at at time, one test result at a time. I have a pretty hefty case of post-traumatic-surgery-disorder, and I am not joking. I really do have this. Again, even when I am doubting God (by worrying and fretting) He never lets me go.
So, this is where I am today. In the midst of all this. I am thankful to be able to share it. I am relieved actually. I am waiting for my "brave" to kick in, and I know it will. My strength never comes from me, myself. It comes from God. He has promised me peace if I just trust Him. And, He never breaks a promise ;-)
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