Mom on the Homefront-still praying.

I am not an Army mom anymore.  Just saying that, sounds strange. The military mom prayers have occupied a portion of my heart for almost 11 years now. The anguished prayers that I prayed every single day for a solid year while he was in the desert...behind me.  Christopher is no longer an Army Reservist.  His contract is fulfilled.  The reality is, in certain rare and severe circumstances, he could still get called back.  But, I have learned so much about not "going there" in my mind.  Just..don't..go...there.  We had to sign on the dotted line when this fine man was only 17.

                                                      

 He was sure then, that joining the Army was a wise decision, for many reasons--one of which was the tuition benefits for college. Obviously, we did not want our son in such danger, but the reality is, as long as we walk this earth, there is danger.  He was sure, absolutely sure, so we supported him.  We stood in the face of varied opinions, some of which were very negative.  We knew that Christopher KNEW  the Army was God's plan for him.  What we didn't know is how soon he would be deployed. At the age of 19 1/2 years old, our son was deployed to the Middle East.  I was 41.

This is the time that I really learned what it means to trust in the Lord.  To REALLY trust.  Every single day I prayed all day long for my son's safety.  All day long I battled against panic, anguish, worry.  I felt like I was in a pressure cooker--and all the while, God was teaching me what it means to give my burden to Him. Christopher faced so much, way more than I even know. He faced circumstances that a mother would wish her child would NEVER face. The whole time Christopher was overseas, I kept a scrapbook, which included many pictures of him and his good buddy (whose name I will leave out)--this buddy committed suicide just before coming home from deployment--the scrapbook turned into a source of pain, so that was set aside. Christopher arrived back home the day before Thanksgiving, at the age of twenty.

  

When he came back home after his tour of duty, Chris headed directly to college, against I thought he should do.  I thought he needed a semester to recover.  Christopher knew different.

He knew he needed to jump right in to school, that the business would help him.  So we prayed..and prayed.  Prayed for healing and God's direction.  Due to his deployment, Christopher was starting college as an older freshman.  This is how he met the love of his life!  He landed in a beautiful young girl's class, and within a year or so, he and Mary were dating.  They were married right after graduation!  Sometimes we do not see what God is doing.  He sees the big picture, and we see a tiny portion of His plan.  And sometimes, we see clearly some of the purpose for His timing.  When we signed on that dotted line, because Christopher was underage, and our son became a soldier-in-training, we never dreamed that this decision would bring him his future wife, and us our dear daughter-in-love....we rarely know the WHYS--and there are so many whys!  But, the lessons I learned through this time, as a mom, as a woman, as a Christian--are the most important ones of my life!  They taught me how to respond to my daughter when she approached us about heading to Africa for 8 months.  The lessons God taught me, taught me to trust, trust, trust...instead of falling (completely) apart, I headed to the familiar prayer-warrior attitude. God reminded me to be vigilant in my prayer life, and in my battle against negative thinking.  I am convinced that we all need to be in these hard places--what we refer to as being between a rock and a hard place--to grow and learn.  I do NOT desire to suffer, and I do NOT want my kids to be away and in any form of danger. But what I do desire is to trust God whether they are in those circumstances, or not.  I have learned so much about myself, and I have learned a lot about friendship and support, through all these things.  There are very few people who can stand with you through the hardest of times. But the truth is, you only NEED a few--and those few sister-friends made all the difference in the world.  ALL the difference.  When I am in the worst of times, in my heart, I tend to stay home.  I work through it here, between me and God, on the homefront.  I have learned that having pain, sadness, or even heartbreak, does not mean you are not trusting God.  He knows all about it, and He cares all about it.

The icing on my momma cake arrived on September 10, 2012--with the birth of our beautiful grandson Ethan.

He is the light of my life, even though he lives more than 3,000 miles away.  ALL the lessons I learned in my early 40s I have put into action now, as I long to hold my little baby grandboy--he lives so far away.  I ache inside, with longing for him.  I have only been with him twice in the little more than 6 months of his life.

 This is God's plan, not an accident, not a punishment--for him to be far away.  I know this in my spirit, but my heart betrays me constantly.  Thankfully, I am a disciplined woman--trained by God Himself.  My teacher has given me the answers to the longing and the heartache, which I have to put into action, again, every day--all day long. I need support though, I really do.  This is so hard.  Such blessing, and such heartache, all at once!  For now, we are apart from them (I miss my kids just as much). God only knows what the future holds.  I don't.  Christopher has just finished with the bulk of his intense schooling at Life Chiropractic--one class left, done by June.  Within the next two weeks, they will decide where they will go next.  The strongest likelihood at this point, will take them to Europe. They have not made the decision, but I know enough to prepare myself.  I know it sounds lovely, the thought of traveling to Europe.  I know it seems like a dream come true.  To me, it sounds painful.  The truth of it is, it WILL be painful.  But, this is a wonderful opportunity for them, if it should come to fruition.  I am thankful for Skype, cell phones, etc.  They will have to do, because we are not in the position of being able to head off to Europe when we want.  What I know for SURE is, God will provide.  He will give this Gramma and Papa what we need.

I know He will direct the steps of our kids.  I know He will take better care of them than I EVER could.

 I say all this with tears in my eyes, and a giant lump in my throat.  In many ways, this will all be easier when the decision is made, one way of the other. I am reminded of two tried and true sayings, that bring it all home:  "it isn't 'WHAT IF'..it is EVEN IF" and
 "Our disappointments are God's appointments".

For me, it all boils down to Proverbs 3:5,6:

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

So, please keep me in your thoughts in prayers as I batten down the hatches, so to speak.  So excited for the opportunity that lies ahead for the kids, whatever it is.  So thrilled to see them out there on their own, on the road to whatever adventure is being prepared for them.  I may need a passport...I KNOW I will need to be brave :-)