I embrace the way God made me to be. I really do. But some days it is harder than others. Today is a hard day for me...a bittersweet mix of emotions charged up with hormonal spasms and PMS. I can only say "I shouldn't feel like this" so many times, before I realize I need to straight-up acknowledge that "I DO feel like this, now what can I do with it?".
I miss my kids. I miss them so much it hurts. It is NOT like this everyday, but some days I actually feel pain in my core. Certain things can trigger this flood--a smell, a sound...a time of year. For me, it is the sound and smell of the schoolbus, back in action. School buses trigger an overwhelming upheaval of longing for something that is unattainable at this point. I miss my little kids. I miss packing their lunches. I miss waking them up in the morning. I miss walking them to the bus stop. I miss back-to-school night. I even miss filling out those emergency cards, that at one time drove me crazy! I miss the smell of crayons and glue sticks and composition notebooks (yes, they have a smell). I miss playing soothing Christian music in the mornings so that they would hear it in their heads during the day. I miss praying with them as they headed out the door.
There are many times when I wish for just one more day of those little years. Just one more moment when their little heads smelled like baby shampoo (yes, I made them use it for YEARS), and one more day when they called me Mommy.
Now before you think I am too far gone, I will say that I love the here and now. I love it very much. But I always knew I would have a hard time with these years, because I was so passionately in love with the young years. I always will be. I get my fix of kid-talk whenever I want it through some special babies that have been lovingly placed in my life as "loaners". But today, as I await the arrival of my very first grandchild, I was awakened by a school bus at 6:15, and I remembered. I remembered it all so vividly, so clearly, like it was yesterday. I LOVED the hustle and bustle. I LOVED the challenge of it all, and I loved having 4 kids in 5 1/2 years. This is my life, God's choice for me, and I LOVE it...
Now, before you think I sound like I want to take a long walk off a short pier (ha ha), I will say that I allow myself to treasure these memories, and have a good cry now and then. I need it. God knows my heart, and He ministers to me right where I am. I am one of those women who can relentlessly and annoyingly talk about her kids--I do not mean to drive you crazy, I really don't. They are the hugest part of who I am (and yes, I do know that I am more than a mom). They have been my career (I did not work outside the home until the last few years), they have been what I "did' all day long, so now that they are (mostly) gone, the void is very huge. And yes, all these years later, I still miss it THAT MUCH. This is just me. I make no apologies, and I do not want to change :-) BECAUSE, along with the painful nostalgia comes SO MUCH JOY. It's a mix. It is a whole package. It is a God thing.
I have had a mix of three in elementary school at one time, three in college at one time, and now I have a bunch of grad students! They still need me sometimes. SOMETIMES. But they have been successfully launched into the big world, and are doing great! I love this adult children part very much also, but I know I will always miss that special sweetness of the bedtime routine, tucking them in and praying with them in their beds. I LOVED that. So, I am taking the day to embrace the longing I feel in my heart for my babies. At the same time, I will be thanking the Lord for my amazing grown up sons and daughters, and all the significant others! Christopher, I pray you slept well, as I know you were studying hard for your next set of boards, and for class in Chiropractor school! Plus Army duty! Plus impending fatherhood! You are doing a wonderful job! Mary, I know you are not sleeping well, because that baby within you keeps you awake and uncomfortable! I pray that today is the day, for your sake! Enjoy these precious moments! I know you are very much like me in all of this, and that you will also feel like I do, when you are my age. Nick, you are doing a wonderful job at work, and I know life gets even crazier on Thursday, when you are back to classes at seminary. I am praying for you as you head into the tired time again, of work and school and studying, and almost no sleep. Shayna, I know you are so full of joy and excitement as grad school starts for you today! I know that you love learning with a passion, and that this is a dream come true for you! I am so proud of you! Kate, you also are back to work and school! Please remember to eat well! I know you love your classes, and I know how thankful you are for a job where you can be using your media studies every day! Andrew, I know you work hard, and although I do not know all that you do, I can see that you do it well. I know also you help out at home with your family and the farm. I really love that about you, what a help and support you are! Mike, I know you are not looking forward to class starting, but I admire your willingness to do "what needs to be done". I pray for you at night while you are out protecting and serving our town. I personally feel safer knowing you, and others like you, are on the watch. Nicole, I know you
are heading to Kindergarten orientation today, and that work starts tomorrow, and I am thrilled at how much you love it! You love kids! I love that you love kids! Even on your hard days when the kids are acting up, I know you love it! Enjoy your day!
Now, I think I will go take a good long sniff of my box of Crayola!
No comments:
Post a Comment